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Many couples have reached a point in their relationship where either they are not talking or arguing loudly with no resolution. “We keep sweeping everything under the rug,” one man said to me in his first session.”I feel unheard,” said a few of my clients. “There is no use talking about our issues,” “it seems very hard to even be happy now,””when we fight, we don’t fight well,” “I feel I am living with a roommate….”

The therapist offers the couple a place to take a breath, get a chance to speak without interruption, be heard and hear their partner and finally, have a neutral voice in the room. There is no aspect of a relationship which is off the table. It gives the couple a reassurance that they can speak freely without judgement and shame. 

Therapy is inherently focussed on the attachment patterns and how the couple might be caught in a pattern of push and avoid. The cycle of one partner becoming more anxious and the other getting shut down is the commonest. It's an opportunity to understand some of the unhelpful patterns which the couple might have developed over time which could be propagating the disconnect.

As the therapeutic relationship strengthens and couples start to perceive things differently, they are more open to explore their mutual strengths and love. Once they feel safe, they are likely to see how they could be part of the ‘hurt or hide cycle.’ The role of the therapist is multifold. Support, validation, safe space, understanding, non judgemental acceptance and respect, the therapist brings a lot to the therapy room. It is also a good behaviour model for the couple.

Lastly, every couple learns that they would be more forgiving and accepting if they were reminded that they hurt together, lose together and find joy together.